Thursday, July 23, 2015

National Hot Dog Day!

Today is National Hot Dog Day!  I know it’s just another made up holiday (okay, they’re all made up but you get my point.) Still, I love hot dogs so I wanted to celebrate. Sonic Drive-In was giving away free dogs but, since I apparently displeased the Junk Food Deity (Jeff the God of Biscuits?) and there isn’t a Sonic near me, I was reduced to trying to find another frankfurter-centric way of marking the occasion. Then I remembered this:

That’s not some Photoshopped monstrosity, that’s a real-life monstrosity: The Hot Dog Stuffed Crust Pizza. Yep. Those crazy bastards at Pizza Hut done went and surrounded a pizza pie with a ring of pigs-in-a-blanket. I know it looks like some sort of Frankenstein-level abomination but before you round up the village mob and start passing out the torches and the pitchforks think about this for a minute: There’s no bigger waste of junk food real estate than the outer ring of pizza crust.

When she was little, my sister referred to that part of the crust as “the bone” because, like a chicken leg, it was the handle of the food, not something any sane person would actually try to consume.

Over the last several years there have been attempts to solve the problem. Most of them involve jamming some cheese in there. Meh. That’s just bad cheesy bread. I’ve been waiting for someone to push the envelope a little, Chuck Yeager-style. Pizza Hut did not disappoint. Hot dogs don’t really go with pizza, maybe, but you’ve gotta take a big swing if you want to advance the art. (Clearly I like mixing metaphors. Maybe that’s why mixing junk food doesn’t even phase me.) I was excited to place my online order for one of these things. I couldn’t wait to dig in.

Turns out I might be the only adventurous Pizza Hut patron in my town. The local Hut dropped the Hot Dog crust. They just stopped selling it. And they brought me this instead:

What the hell? Little crappy crescent rolls with some congealed mozzarella forced inside? 

Who cares? That’s just more crust to waste. Check out this boneyard:

So my National Hot Dog Fake Holiday was a bust. Now I’m pissed at the local Pizza Hut. I’m thinking about trying to rally my fellow villagers and heading on down there. Who’s with me? It’s B.Y.O.P.F. (bring your own pitch fork.) Let’s do this! We’ll be the first angry mob to ever torch a place for not creating a monster. That’s not as crazy as eating a hot dog stuffed crust pizza but it’ll still be a Hot Dog day to remember!

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Know Any Good Junk Food Carols?

Today is National Junk Food Day. This would be my life-long favorite holiday if I hadn’t only heard of it for the first time five minutes ago. (Actually, that’s not true. No holiday will ever be my favorite if it doesn’t get me a day off work. Any holiday that doesn’t do that just isn’t pulling its weight.) Still, I like this totally b.s. made up day because I love junk food. I’m a junk food junkie. I have a junk food jones. Clearly. I just started a whole damned blog about the stuff and named it that.

What can you expect from this little ol’ web log? In the coming weeks we’ll take a look at some odd food combinations, try to figure out what’s up with weirdo Oreos, discuss the best candy bar you’ve never heard of, investigate whether the much-hyped fast food “secret menus” actually exist, learn why I should have been the guy to create “Man vs. Food” (seriously, I was all over that idea) and find out how to eat junk food every day and still have some fine-looking abs to attract the attractive members of the sex you’re attracted to at the pool, beach, or other naked-torso-friendly locale of your choice. So join me, won’t you? I know I will.