Sunday, August 28, 2016

DQ Royal Blizzard

I don’t go to the Macaroni Grill anymore. I got sick of the waiters writing their names upside down with a crayon on the paper “table cloths” when they introduced themselves at the table. That signature (in both senses of the word) trick just seemed like showing off. Could have been my hunger talking, I guess, but it made me want to slap that stupid crayon right out of their stupid hands.

I feel exactly the same way when the folks at Dairy Queen turn the Blizzard cup upside down before handing it to me. I know they think they’re proving that the soft serve inside is properly thick and all but, to me, they’re just wasting time being smug when I could be digging into that rich and creamy goodness. Blizzards are so ridiculously delicious, though, that I’ll put up with some obnoxious behavior just to get my hands on one but, for the record, I do it under protest. 

I guess I’ll be doing it more often than normal now because DQ has a new(ish) kind of Blizzard that I just got around to trying. They call it the “Royal Blizzard”. I’m still not sure how adding filling to the middle confers royal status upon a thing but it can’t help but make it more delicious so you know I’m all in. Here’s what the Royal Oreo Blizzard is supposed to look like:

Check out that treasure trove of filling just waiting to be excavated and enjoyed!

Well, here’s how mine looked in real life:

Where the hell is my fudge? Oh. Wait. There it is. 

It seems to have coagulated and migrated into and throughout the Blizzard proper. Maybe that Dairy Queen -- whoever she is -- should get the royal scientists to work on some kind of fudge containment system if they want to advertise a “fudge center” as opposed to “widely dispersed little fudge blobby things” like I got.

Still, Oreo Blizzards are awesome and adding blobs of fudge to the blended Oreo cookies only makes them more awesome so, like I do with the cocky way the thing is served to me, I’ll put up with a less-than-perfect-looking treat just to get my even-better Blizzard fix. 

I'm not sure, but I think DQ and I might be in an unhealthy relationship.

Monday, August 15, 2016


So, it turns out that I’m an optimist. I never would have defined myself that way but what else do you call a guy who, deep down, truly believes that we’ll figure out how to deal with the problems caused by global warming before they get too out of control; that whichever one of these knuckleheads who wins the presidential race probably won’t screw things up too badly; and (this is the big one) that Burger King’s new Whopperrito sounded like a good idea.

I mean, I love Whoppers. I love burritos. Tex-mexing up the King’s signature hamburger, ditching the bun and wrapping the whole thing in a soft, warm tortilla couldn’t be anything but good, right? Yeah. Right. Spoken like a true optimist.

Regular burrito?


Yep. They really did chop up a Whopper and stuff it in a flour tortilla.

Turns out the chunks of hamburger patty are either too thick or not thick enough – I never could figure that out for sure but, either way, the mouth-feel was kind of disgusting – and the “Pepper Blend Cheese” queso sauce wasn’t strong enough (and/or plentiful enough, maybe, in the one I got at my local BK) to make the Whopperrito anything but an ugly experience that has me questioning everything.

What if the end really is neigh? What if the sky really is falling? What if I really do need to build a backyard shelter and become a “prepper”? On the bright side, I guess, worse come to worst, whatever post-apocalyptic rations I’m forced to choke down probably won’t be as bad as Burger King’s new Whopperrito.

“On the bright side”? What the hell am I talking about? Seems that even as a newly-minted pessimist, I’m still kind of an optimist.