Monday, August 15, 2016


So, it turns out that I’m an optimist. I never would have defined myself that way but what else do you call a guy who, deep down, truly believes that we’ll figure out how to deal with the problems caused by global warming before they get too out of control; that whichever one of these knuckleheads who wins the presidential race probably won’t screw things up too badly; and (this is the big one) that Burger King’s new Whopperrito sounded like a good idea.

I mean, I love Whoppers. I love burritos. Tex-mexing up the King’s signature hamburger, ditching the bun and wrapping the whole thing in a soft, warm tortilla couldn’t be anything but good, right? Yeah. Right. Spoken like a true optimist.

Regular burrito?


Yep. They really did chop up a Whopper and stuff it in a flour tortilla.

Turns out the chunks of hamburger patty are either too thick or not thick enough – I never could figure that out for sure but, either way, the mouth-feel was kind of disgusting – and the “Pepper Blend Cheese” queso sauce wasn’t strong enough (and/or plentiful enough, maybe, in the one I got at my local BK) to make the Whopperrito anything but an ugly experience that has me questioning everything.

What if the end really is neigh? What if the sky really is falling? What if I really do need to build a backyard shelter and become a “prepper”? On the bright side, I guess, worse come to worst, whatever post-apocalyptic rations I’m forced to choke down probably won’t be as bad as Burger King’s new Whopperrito.

“On the bright side”? What the hell am I talking about? Seems that even as a newly-minted pessimist, I’m still kind of an optimist.

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