Whopperrit-No!

So, it turns out that I’m an optimist. I never would have defined myself that way but what else do you call a guy who, deep down, truly believes that we’ll figure out how to deal with the problems caused by global warming before they get too out of control; that whichever one of these knuckleheads who wins the presidential race probably won’t screw things up too badly; and (this is the big one) that Burger King’s new Whopperrito sounded like a good idea.

I mean, I love Whoppers. I love burritos. Tex-mexing up the King’s signature hamburger, ditching the bun and wrapping the whole thing in a soft, warm tortilla couldn’t be anything but good, right? Yeah. Right. Spoken like a true optimist.

Regular burrito?

Surprise! 

Yep. They really did chop up a Whopper and stuff it in a flour tortilla.

Turns out the chunks of hamburger patty are either too thick or not thick enough – I never could figure that out for sure but, either way, the mouth-feel was kind of disgusting – and the “Pepper Blend Cheese” queso sauce wasn’t strong enough (and/or plentiful enough, maybe, in the one I got at my local BK) to make the Whopperrito anything but an ugly experience that has me questioning everything.

What if the end really is neigh? What if the sky really is falling? What if I really do need to build a backyard shelter and become a “prepper”? On the bright side, I guess, worse come to worst, whatever post-apocalyptic rations I’m forced to choke down probably won’t be as bad as Burger King’s new Whopperrito.

“On the bright side”? What the hell am I talking about? Seems that even as a newly-minted pessimist, I’m still kind of an optimist.

Baseball, Hot Dogs, Apple Pie, Yada, Yada, Yada

Joey Chestnut regained his Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest championship crown when he downed 70 dogs in 10 minutes yesterday in New York.  I also ate hot dogs on the 4^th of July but I had to stop at two. I know I shouldn’t compare myself to a professional athlete but I have to admit that I’m a little disappointed in my performance.

In my defense though, one of the dogs was this big boy right here:

That’s the "King’s Hawaiian Dog" that the Dodgers are selling at the ballpark this year. It consists of a Dodger Dog covered in pineapple salsa on a King’s Hawaiian Roll and damn, it’s tasty! The sweet roll and the sweet salsa combine just right with the savory hot dog and would have made the trip down to Dodger Stadium worth it even if the Dodgers didn’t come from behind to beat the Orioles, which they did.

Since I was already celebrating Independence Day with baseball and hot dogs, I figured I might as well go full on cliché and throw in some apple pie. It wasn’t Mom’s, though, it was Mrs. Redd’s.

As store-bought fried fruit pies go it was okay but I have to say that Ol’ Lady Redd skimps a bit on the filling for my taste which doesn’t really seem all that American but, whatever.

 As I was finishing my pie and wrapping up my Independence Day I took a minute to reflect on what a gift the Founding Fathers gave me. I mean, if they hadn’t flipped their powdered wigs over taxation without representation and whatnot all those years ago then I might have spent the day watching cricket while eating bangers and mash and meat pies. I'd like to see how much of that stuff Joey Chestnut could choke down.

Stars and Stripes Forever

It’s Independence Day here in the good ol’ U.S. of A. so I went out looking for some special 4^th of July Reese’s. If you’re a regular reader (Hi, Mom) then you know about my chocolate-encased peanut butter obsession. There’s no bad Reese’s product but the best-of-the-best are the super-sized holiday specials. I’m talking the Halloween pumpkins, the Christmas (Winter Holiday?) Snowmen, the Valentine’s Day hearts, and the Easter Eggs. It’s not just the size, mind you, it’s the thicker chocolate and thicker peanut butter that makes them great.

It seems like Reese’s puts out more special holiday candy every year (2015 brought us mini-Christmas trees and mini-Halloween ghosts) so I was hoping, even though I’ve never seen a single special Reese’s star-spangled treat before, to discover that this was the year that they'd make a big ol’ Uncle Sam hat or something. Instead, I found these.

Are they little stars, like the mini-hearts and mini-rabbits I enjoyed in the winter/spring of 2016?  No sir, they are not. In fact, they’re just regular mini Reese’s in some fancy foil.

Don’t get me wrong, I love mini Reese’s and the patriotic wrapping is better than nothing, I guess, but I expect better from the company (Hershey’s, which owns the Reese’s brand) that gave our soldier’s candy bars during World War II. To me, the quintessential American hero is the gum-snapping, “Nutz to ya’, ya’ Nazi dope”-cracking, G.I. Joe passing out Hershey’s bars to kids as they liberated France from the bad guys back in The Big One. Let’s honor them with some real special candy, not some tarted up same ol’. I mean, I’m pretty sure Paul Revere didn’t leave the Boston Tea Party early and ride all the way to Lexington and Concord to fire the Shot Heard Round the World that cracked the Liberty Bell just for this:

I guess if I want some special Independence Day store-bought junk food I’m just going to have to be satisfied with these:

At least the folks at Hostess slapped on some blue icing and decorated the thing with red and white star-shaped sprinkles. Those are some right-thinking Americans, right there. Sure, the Star Spangled Cup Cakes don't taste nearly as good as the delicious regular orange or chocolate kinds (in fact, they don't taste especially good at all) but I guess you can't have everything.

Can You Steal a Horse With Ice Cream?

You can lead a horse to water but can you steal one with an ice cream cone? I decided to find out. Now you can learn the answer without having to be horse-adjacent yourself. Just click on the video!

M&M New Flavor Voting

The M&M turns 75 this year. Yep, it was three quarters of a century ago that Old Man Mars kind of ripped off the idea for encasing chocolate in a hard candy shell after he saw soldiers eating British Smarties during the Spanish Civil War. (Let’s just call it an “homage” and move on.)

My favorites, the Peanut M&Ms, were added to the line up in 1954 so this 75^th anniversary retro 1960s-style packaging I got today is accurate.

Except for the blue M&Ms inside, that is. Those didn’t come along until 1995 when customer voting replaced the old tan M&M with a new bright blue kind. (Don’t blame me, I voted for purple.)

For year number 75 (and, obviously, for advertising purposes) M&Ms is doing another vote. This time they’re looking for a new nut flavor. For a limited time, you can find all three choices in stores: Chili Nut, Honey Nut and Coffee Nut.  Let's take a quick look at each variety. 

Chili Nut

When it comes to sauces I like a little spice with my sweet so I expected to love these but they just left me cold. Not much extra taste at all – in fact, the nut actually seemed to get in the way of the chocolate – and, on top of that, the chili nut burn was mostly just a slight back-of-the-throat irritation. “Not as good and slightly irritating” probably isn't the advertising slogan they're looking for. Chili Nut does not get my vote.

Coffee Nut

If you like coffee the Coffee Nut kind are pretty good. I don’t like coffee so, no. No thank you.

Honey Nut

These are sweet and earthy and remind me of pancakes with chocolate chips. Oh yeah, Honey Nut M&Ms get my vote for sure. 

All voting is being conducted on Facebook, by-the-way (where I’m pretty sure real voting will take place any year now. ) Click the link if you want to cast your ballot: https://www.facebook.com/mms/app/1016130751780697

And remember, if you don’t vote, you can’t complain.

Here’s a bonus, advanced technique. Mix the Honey Nut and the Coffee Nut kinds together for Coffee and Pancakes M&Ms. 

But you have to do it before 11:59 pm on June 17^th. That’s when voting ends and all but the winner will be gone from stores. Well, the winner and the Chili Nut kind. I can’t imagine those disappointing bastards will sell out any time soon.

National Donut Day!

Today is “National Donut Day”. I’m not sure who invents all these dumb fake holidays and gets them sort of semi-officially recognized but they deserve a dumb, fake, semi-officially recognized holiday of their own for coming up with this one. That’s because, unlike National Itch Day or National Impersonate Authority Day (both of which are also today so get your scratching finger warmed up and your police officer costume out (and also your bail money because that’s illegal)), National Donut Day can get you a free donut. Seriously. Several shops are offering them but the only one I’m going to mention by name is Krispy Kreme. That’s because here in Los Angeles, the Land of a Bajillion Donuts, Krispy Kreme is the only one who won’t screw you over with the chocolate iced cream filleds.

Seriously, Los Angeles. Why can’t I reliably get a chocolate iced cream filled donut out here? All I ever find is chocolate iced custard filled. And the worst part is that the two look exactly alike from the outside. You never know you’ve been had until you’ve already bitten into it and your mouth is filled with slimy, snot-colored, gross custard rather than fluffy, bright white, delicious cream. And asking the person behind the counter doesn’t always help because, for some reason, people here don’t seem to know the difference. The terminology is off. Maybe it’s because the custard filled is sometimes called “Boston Cream” or “Bavarian Cream”. I don’t know but there should be a law. Those damned things must be clearly labeled! We’ve got a big election coming up in November. I need to know where the candidates stand on this issue. You want my vote, you've got to tackle the important stuff.

Anyway, Krispy Kreme is the only place in Los Angeles that I’ve been able to reliably find a real cream filled donut so they get my endorsement on this most magical day of the year. Find one near you and ask for your freebie. Just stay away from the cream filled. Those are mine. 

By-the-way, notice how I didn't make a single hack dress-up-as-a-cop-eat-a-donut-joke even though I could have tied those two dumb fake holidays together? You're very welcome.

The Drinking of the Green

Today I'm celebrating St. Patrick's Day the only way a junk food junky knows how…with a Shamrock Shake and a Fillet-O-Fish. I love ethnic food!